I Never Had it So Good

I’m pretty darn exhausted right now, but I feel compelled to write because I never have a free moment to do so unless Jeremy’s sleeping. And unfortunately, I never capitalize on his naps during the day. So though exhausted and burnt out tonight, I write.

I write to remember – to remember what it feels like to hold Jeremy in my arms, to remember Jeremy as a baby, to try and hang on to these fleeting days. Because I keep hearing all these moms tell me how they grow up so fast. And though I don’t know it now or believe that now, I know that I will one day. And that day will be when he’s already big. And I want to remember.

The days with Jeremy are passing by so fast that I haven’t had a moment to sit down and reflect on life post baby. When chatting with Will the other day, he caught me off guard when he asked me how my life has changed since Jeremy. And believe it or not, I really hadn’t thought about that until now.

Oh how life has changed since Jeremy’s arrived. Things are done with a purpose now; the purpose being Jeremy. “This is for Jeremy” is enough kick old/bad habits and enough to develop good ones. “I need to be a good example for Jeremy” is sufficient to make me apologize, or speak up for myself, or do the right thing. I gush at his smiles, his laugh, his wonder, his sleepiness, his alertness, his muttering gaga sounds. There are times when he’s wholly focused and in the moment with me, where he’ll stare deeply into my eyes and mine his and we’ll make baby sounds at one another as if telling one another how much we love each other, back and forth, and those moments make my heart melt and my eyes water.

I would’ve never been able to imagine life to be like this. That life now as a single mom is better than it ever was.