Tuesday, September 8, 2009

New York

I had a small glimpse into single life in New York this past weekend. For about 5 hours, Jeremy was with my mom while I scheduled back to back dates with friends I haven’t seen in a while. I took the subway into Manhattan from Flushings, trying to pose and pass as a New Yorker until I needed to confirm with my map that I’m heading to the right place.

As I got out of the subway and headed upstairs to the street, New York came onto me naturally. Without struggle, I started pacing myself as quickly as anybody else; maneuvering between the crowds, waiting impatiently at red lights, walking with purpose. It felt so good to be in the city. In the midst of activity. In the heart of everything.

I went from one pinkberry to the next, one restaurant to the next, ecstatic on good conversations and good company. But mostly, from the rare freedom I was experiencing. It had been a while since the last time I was alone in the city. I lost myself in these dialogues, believing that I was just like my friends in that moment – free to do as I chose with my night, free to stay out as late as I wanted to.

The euphoria that came along with such freedom didn’t last long however. Soon, my real identity knocked at my soul. And with that, the realization that I’m not like them. The mother in me started to miss my son. I then felt like I was missing a limb. Still able to function and get by, but not fully comfortable in my own skin.

Truth is, my being no longer makes sense without a 20-lb baby strapped onto me. Although at times I relish the independence, it’s never long before my arms, my heart, my entire being ache for my baby. My Jeremy.

I live a dual life. While I am a 23 year old single woman, I am also a 23 year old single mom. I don’t have the complete freedom my 20-something friends have, but I also have more freedom than my married parent friends. This is an identity I’m still learning to adapt to. How to make time for myself and my goals but still spend enough time with Jeremy. How to be a mom and a single woman.



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